I am so tired and apprehensive of the seemingly terrible year to come. I feel like I don't have a place. I'm imagining walking into this year and plastering on a fake smile, talking to everyone, and pretending to be happy. But I don't want to do that. At the same time, I feel like I'm not good enough when I allow myself to just be. Feeling this depression without hiding it is uncomfortable for other people. They would rather I pretend to be happy so the mood isn't ruined.
When I see others play with kids, they can match their excitement and laugh with them. I feel dead. I have no energy. When I look to my future I feel wracked with sorrow. I feel like I would be a bad mom. I have so little energy, so little joy. I dread the time when all of my friends are having kids. I dread seeing them so happy, encouraging, and excited because I'm afraid that I'll never be able to feel that.
Right now, I feel like a burden to my parents. They are so loving, and supporting, but I see how tired they are. I see how sad they are, and how much they just want me to be happy again. I feel so much despair when I cry out to God. I long for the feeling of comfort from my mind. I long for his refuge but I can't seem to find it. All of these feelings are so scary, deafening, and consuming. I dread the future because there's a good chance that I'll still feel like this. I'm shattered by this thought. I mourn all that depression has stolen from me. I weep at the thought of never escaping this, of having to fight for so long. I break as the realization of receiving a new body in heaven means I don't get a new mind. I can never escape myself.
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